"I believe I was just just surviving for the first year."
Former Made In Chelsea cast member Ryan Libbey anticipated to manage the demands of becoming a dad.
Yet the actual experience quickly proved to be "utterly different" to his expectations.
Serious health issues around the birth caused his partner Louise admitted to hospital. Suddenly he was pushed into becoming her chief support in addition to caring for their infant son Leo.
"I took on each nighttime feed, every nappy change… each outing. The duty of both parents," Ryan explained.
Following nearly a year he became exhausted. That was when a conversation with his own dad, on a public seat, that made him realise he required support.
The simple phrases "You're not in a good place. You require some help. What can I do to support you?" paved the way for Ryan to express himself truthfully, seek support and start recovering.
His story is not uncommon, but seldom highlighted. While the public is now more comfortable discussing the stress on moms and about PND, less is said about the challenges new fathers encounter.
Seeking help isn't a weakness to seek assistance
Ryan feels his challenges are part of a larger inability to open up amongst men, who continue to absorb negative notions of what it means to be a man.
Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the fortress that just gets smashed and remains standing time and again."
"It is not a display of being weak to seek help. I didn't do that quick enough," he clarifies.
Mental health expert Dr Jill Domoney, a researcher who studies mental health surrounding childbirth, says men often don't want to acknowledge they're finding things difficult.
They can think they are "not justified to be requesting help" - especially in front of a mum and baby - but she emphasises their mental health is just as important to the household.
Ryan's chat with his dad gave him the opportunity to take a break - taking a couple of days abroad, outside of the family home, to gain perspective.
He understood he needed to make a adjustment to pay attention to his and his partner's feelings alongside the practical tasks of caring for a infant.
When he was honest with Louise, he discovered he'd failed to notice "what she was yearning" -holding her hand and hearing her out.
Self-parenting
That epiphany has transformed how Ryan sees fatherhood.
He's now writing Leo regular notes about his journey as a dad, which he hopes his son will see as he grows up.
Ryan hopes these will assist his son better understand the language of feelings and interpret his approach to fatherhood.
The notion of "reparenting" is something artist Professor Green - whose name is Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four years old.
As a child Stephen lacked reliable male a father figure. Despite having an "amazing" relationship with his dad, long-standing trauma resulted in his father had difficulty managing and was "in and out" of his life, affecting their relationship.
Stephen says bottling up emotions resulted in him make "bad choices" when in his youth to alter how he felt, finding solace in alcohol and substances as an escape from the pain.
"You turn to substances that are harmful," he notes. "They might briefly alter how you feel, but they will in the end exacerbate the problem."
Tips for Getting By as a New Father
- Open up to someone - if you feel under pressure, confide in a trusted person, your partner or a professional about your state of mind. This can to ease the pressure and make you feel more supported.
- Maintain your passions - make time for the pursuits that helped you to feel like yourself before having a baby. Examples include playing sport, seeing friends or playing video games.
- Pay attention to the body - a good diet, physical activity and if you can, sleep, all play a role in how your mind is coping.
- Connect with other new dads - sharing their journeys, the messy ones, as well as the good ones, can help to normalise how you're feeling.
- Understand that requesting help does not mean you've failed - prioritising yourself is the best way you can support your loved ones.
When his father eventually died by suicide, Stephen understandably had difficulty processing the death, having not spoken to him for many years.
Now being a father himself, Stephen's committed not to "continue the chain" with his child and instead provide the security and emotional guidance he lacked.
When his son is about to have a outburst, for example, they try "shaking the feelings out" together - processing the frustrations safely.
Each of Ryan and Stephen explain they have become better, healthier men due to the fact that they acknowledged their pain, altered how they express themselves, and learned to regulate themselves for their sons.
"I'm better… dealing with things and managing things," states Stephen.
"I expressed that in a letter to Leo the other week," Ryan adds. "I wrote, on occasion I feel like my role is to teach and advise you what to do, but in reality, it's a exchange. I'm learning just as much as you are on this path."
