Being a homosexual male in my late 40s, I’ve spent numerous, largely enjoyable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I was in a serious relationship which continued for four years, but I never felt completely content, in that I didn't experience love nor intimately fulfilled. The fact is that my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Every time I start seeing any man, once the newness dwindles, I always get the urge to be intimate with other men once more.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Exclusive Commitment
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to sustain a faithful partnership. I understand that numerous gay men have open relationships, yet from my observations, they appear demanding, often resulting in lots of heartache and envy among all parties. To a large extent, I want another man to care for me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, however I fear the emotional drain this would cause. Is it best to keep having casual sex and accept that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I’m feeling a bit lost.
Each individual's intimate path varies. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your capacity to tolerate different types of sexual unions as fixed. Your needs as you are experiencing them now may well change in the future; at a certain time you might become more decisive and discover some clarity and a comfortable path … or not. At some point you might meet someone offering a life-changing chance for you by reflecting your desires in a holistic fashion … and at another point you might decide that casual connections are best for you. Worrying about what lies ahead and playing the “What if?” game is merely rooted in fear and a waste of your efforts. Try to be present in your relationships, and see the worth of each person you connect with intimately a sexual connection. If and when the time is right to strengthen genuine closeness with a single person, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a American therapy professional who specialises in treating intimacy issues.
